Total Elliptical of the Heart
My darling E.,
I know what most runners see when they look at you. Clutter. Some perfunctory piece of cardio equipment taking up space that could otherwise be occupied by a treadmill or leg press (one of the only pieces of non-cardio equipment runners can comprehend). “Even a stair-stepper would be better” someone might lament, having just signed a lease on an 8th-floor walkup.
They scan a room full of your various permutations–elliptical cross-trainers, gliders, recumbents, center drive, front drive, rear drive–and consider the different forms of minor torture each might inflict.
They bask on Strava in the accomplishment of having logged a run on the “DREADmill”, but find no secret glory in crushing an interval workout on the “EVILliptical”.
For elliptical workouts, kudos are notoriously hard to come by.
They stare in disbelief as you inform them that, after 45 minutes of mindless churning, they’ve only logged about a mile and a half.
And, to some extent, they have a point. Your purpose is unclear. We’ve made chasing cheese down a hill a competitive sport but haven’t figured out how to rebrand you into something that doesn’t get conflated with Tony Little’s manic smile on late-night television.
Can you really trust someone who looks this happy while working out? (source: Tony Little)
The ElliptiGO, your valiant attempt to break the chains of indoor confinement, has been ridiculed, and my efforts to swap participant bicycles for ElliptiGOs at local triathlons as a kind of guerilla marketing have greatly enraged the cycling community.
Imagine Top Gun with ElliptiGOs instead of F-18s (source: elliptigo.com)
And yet, in spite of all this, I firmly identify as a duathlete: at once a runner and an ellipsis.
For in your succinct motion I find reliable comfort (and almost no knee pain!). If all the “dreadmills” are occupied, there is always an empty elliptical that just needs some light dusting. There is familiarity in the way you approximate (albeit awkwardly) the motion of running, my first love. But when injury strikes, you are my respite from the prison of immobility.
There are other ways to cross-train, sure, but they have fundamentally different DNA. Cyclists will never know the joy of experiencing Prospect Park in a clockwise direction; swimmers cannot begin to understand the misery of an 8% incline. The elliptical, on the other foot, is a natural extension of the runner–providing (quite literally) a leg up for those who need it.
A heavily doctored example of how Merriam-Webster might read if its editors had more taste. (source: merriam-webster.com)
And though an angry IT band or general lack of motivation have often led me into your weird alien-like arms, there’ve been times when I’ve gone to the gym eager to work out with you. Perhaps it’s the longevity you promise or the seductive way you trick me into doing an arm workout, but somehow your imperfections complement my own in just the right way.
Taylor Swift once asked “if the high was worth the pain,” referring to the adrenaline of a new PR relative to the mental and physical toll it takes to get there. When I share that process with you, however, the pain tastes more like an artificially flavored fruit gel in the middle of a summer long run–I quickly come to find that it’s not only necessary but delicious.
Love…always,
V.
Text by: John Vaghi (he/him)
Produced by: John Vaghi
PPTC is a diverse and supportive team. We want to celebrate the diversity of our club and membership. We welcome and encourage everyone to share their stories with us.